Johns Shtuff:

I wrote these articles for your website. Read them both, they're good. Post it.
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Article One: Introduction to James*
All of James's friends have a column so I will too. I'd like to start by pointing out how big of an idiot James is, quite the contrary to what both of his other superfans (Cough Ilya and Pete) think. First of all, James is a nobody's name. Have you met anyone important named James? Neither have I. According to my research, the name James comes from the Sanskrit word "Jaim Aes", which means "Big Idiot". This name describes him aptly. One time, James and I were in summer camp riding on a roller coaster. If you know James, then you know that he likes to wear 'pants' that are so enormous that it looks like he's wearing two skirts sewn together. As I was saying, we we're on the roller coaster, and what do you know, one of the skirts gets caught in the roller coaster and gets completely ripped off. True story.
Another thing you should know about James is that he has an enormous head. Each picture you see of James has been subject to dozens of hours of editing time to shrink the size of James's embarrassingly colossal head. Actually, James wears specially designed hats made out of recycled parachutes and tarps used to cover baseball fields. James doesn't know it, but we joke around that if we learned the ancient art of head shrinking, we would have to shrink James's head at least 4 times to get it to normal size.
James is also excruciatingly stenchful. Each morning on the way to school, James fogs up the windows on the inside of the car with his amazing body oder. In the summer, James's smell is picked up by thousands of Asian Bees, which make the migration across the pacific ocean and much of the North American Continent, merely to land on James and make honey from his sweat. The reason James is so smelly is because of the fact that he doesn't sweat normal sweat consisting of mainly salt and water. James sweats cream cheese. No Joke.
To conclude, although I know that James is a Big Idiot and embarrassing dresser, despite his gigantic head and toxicity, James is still a good guy. The truth is, we have a ton in common. We both buy clothing at the Big and Tall store, for one.
-John Out-
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Article Two: Introduction to Mitch
* Hiya guys & gals, this is John, back for another exciting article. Today I'd like to discuss another threat to our daily lives - a man named Mitch. Mitch is the man that James's parents have hired to drive our carpool (the members being myself, James, Pete, and Moose), for no reason other than the fact that they are lazy and don't know how to drive. Mitch has reached an age in his life when the natural tenancies of his brain, such as reflexes and sight (as well as the ability to grow hair on the top of his head), have kicked out on Mitch and left him in the dark. Keep in mind, I have nothing wrong with old people - some of them can be great (such as my Grandpa, who taught me how to swear in 3 different languages) - however, I trust few with the ability to drive well.
The little man who controls the logic computer in Mitch's brain has retired. Mitch no longer has the ability to use common sense. We call this handicap Senility. Mitch isn't an entirely bad driver aside from not being able to keep the wheel strait, however its the /decision making/ aspect of driving that Mitch lacks. Mitch likes to sprinkle the use of his car's horn in at every chance he gets. Whether there's a biker on the other side of the road, or someone just started their car in their driveway, Mitch is likely to beep at it.
Another aspect of every-day driving that Mitch has trouble grasping is the Sun. To get to school every morning, we have to travel about 20 miles east of our home town on a winding road, which faces the sun in the morning. Every time a patch of sunlight hits the windshield, Mitch comes to a screeching halt. He acts as if he can wait for the sun to move before going on. Yea Mitch, the sun will go away - thats called 'Night'. We need to be to school before then!
Lastly, and most importantly, Mitch has a problem realizing that he's out of gas. Each morning on the way to school, we pass around four or five gas stations; he stops at none of them. This is just a prediction, but it's my guess that the dial on Mitch's gas gauge has never moved above 1/4 full. Mitch has a problem realizing that he's near out of gas. One would think that the frequent lurches, the car suddenly turning off, as well as the fact that the gauge placed right in front of him is straddling the 'E', would be /minor hints/ to the fact that he is practically out of gas. Alas, they don't. We nearly run out of gas every morning. He's going to have to do push ups on the side of the road before I push his lousy car to a gas station.
The worst part about Mitch - he's the best driver we've had so far. I might discuss the horror's we've had before. Lets just say that one had a thing with triple car passes on blind curves, and the other's whereabouts are unknown - probably been 'capped by the Latino Kings (her x-husband was one of them).
Oh well. Got to get to school. I almost miss going to school on a noisy Bus. But whats a guy to do?
See you next week.
-John Out-
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Alright James, there you go. You asked for it. Enjoy.
-John
P.S. I've attached a detailed picture of what Mitch sees in the gas gauge.

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Article 3: Dean Brennan

One word. Brennan. He has gone too far. He haunts the dreams of many a
freshman at our school. For those of you who don't know who he is, Mr.
Brennan, or as many students like to call him, Death Brennan, is the ex-navy
seal, ex-firefighter, current hard ass Dean of Students at fairfield prep.
I for one am fed up with Mr. Brennan's antics. Its selfish enough that he
overly enforces the dress code (he once gave a friend of mine an Atomic
Wedgie because of his "outlandish unibrow"). But DB goes over the top to
enforce school rules. One time, some kid dropped a spoon in the cafeteria,
and DB flipped out and gave the whole school detention. However, its his
sacreligious disrespect for christianity is what puts him over the edge.
What things has he done, you ask? I sit here, writing this article, taking a
break from studying. Studying for tests tomorrow. We have school tomorrow on
the 4th most holy day on the christian calender. I'm talking about
Christmas-Eve-Eve-Eve.
Mr. Brennan, I ask you this - Where do you get off? I have half a mind to
sue you and your crazy mustache for religious profiling. I come to fairfield
prep for only a few things - good academics, chillin on the quad, and
foremost, the RELIGIOUS ATTITUDE! Its dispicable that you have the nerve to
ignore everything that everyone stands for!
I have only one thing to say before you come to my house and use your marine
moves to put me in a world of pain for mentioning you, and that is this:
Back off dude. Go ruin someone else's religion, not mine. I think I speak
for the entire student body when I say Christmas-Eve-Eve-Eve is one of the
most important days of the year, and we deserve not to have school. Come on
DB. What would Jesus do?

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Article 4: Snow Sports

Once again this year we start another winter, and we all know theres only
one thing to do during the winter. Skiing, or for some of our unlucky
friends, snowboarding. It is an age old battle, which to choose - skiing, or
snowboarding?
Some of you may know that I am a skier, and a vigilant one. But why, do you
ask, have I chosen to ski when snowboarding seems to be the "more popular"
snowsport? There are several very good reasons why you all are idiots.
The first is the most obvious. You guys look like idiots. Theres nothing
that says 'lame' like a person with both feet attached to one board. I ask
you - where's the logic? I can proove mathematically why you will not like
snowboarding. First of all, everyone likes freedom, right? Then if you like
freedom, then you like choices. With a snowboard, you only have two choice
when you fall, and that is on your ass or your face. With skiing, however,
there are several ways to wipe out. Since both feet are independent, there
are several ways to break legs, ankles, hips, and even kneecaps. With the
addition of poles, you are free to break both arms, wrists, fingers, and
even the head. For those of you that enjoy pushing the envelope, there are
several ligaments and muscles that are also available for tearing.
Next, Snowboards just do not look cool. Whenever I see a snowboarder, I can
only think of a monkey riding down a hill on a twinkey. They have that look
that just screams "four years ago". Come on people. Wheres the fashon, I
ask? Monkeys on twinkeys are out.
Skis are also very useful when it comes to fighting. A little useless trivia
here, but did you know that the first ski was invented by a ninja who cut
off someone's head with his swords and then used his swords to ride to
safety? No lie. Skis, just like swords, are deadly weapons. They are long
and compact. Getting in a fight with a skier with his skis in his hands is a
bad idea. And besides - have you ever tried sticking a snowboard up
someone's ass? It's not easy.
This brings me to my last and most important point. Skis are extremely
useful when not on the mountain. A ski has several intended auxiliary uses.
To make it easy for readers, I have compiled a short list of other uses for
skis:
1. Sword (as noted above)
2. Chop sticks
3. Can Opener
4. Long distance butt-smacker
5. Emergency wheel chair ramp
6. Toothpicks
7. Height Measurer
8. Rug-smoothener
9. Utility to reach High places
10. Clamp
11. Screw Driver
Tell me that you could do all those things with a snowboard. Remember, these
are only the intended uses for skis, but not the only ones. Be creative!
In closing, don't let anyone tell you that skis are useless tools, because
they are not. Skis are more versitile, useful, and ultimately just more fun
than snowboards. How can you deny it?

EDIT: Fat John's comments are not necessarily those of James or Eat Food, inc. Fat John's comments do not represent Eat Food, inc.'s stance or beleifs in any ways.

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Number 5: On Sarah and James

It has been brought to my attention that our friend (or in my case, arch
nemesis) James actually has a girlfriend. I know what you're probably
thinking - how could any woman bare the stenchful ball that is James? Is it
possible to look past the toxic cloud around James and see his sensitive
(read: wussy) heart? Ace reporter John got down to the bottom of this.
It turns out that Sarah "The Slayer" and James first met in the IG
(Intellectual Garbage) program at their local middle school. James's stink
was not nearly as powerful at this point in his life, however he was potent
enough to burn the eyebrows of those around him. Luckily for him, Sarah had
no eyebrows.
By no fluke, the two fatefully met one foreordinationed day in a
serendipitously destined way. During a science lab, the two were paired
together. Luckily, they were dealing with dangerous chemicals and Sarah was
forced to wear a gas mask (thank god, right?) Unable to smell or see James
(her eyes teared up despite the mask), Sarah was cooed into James's arms by
the natural mating call of James's iPod. The two hit it off wonderfully.
But how would James and Sarah survive together without the gas mask?
Unbeknownst to Sarah, James had a secret plan. By mixing the Hydrochloric
Acid (HCl) with Butane (BK), Nitrochloride (N2CL),
Tribiphosphorozinactinide Exlicon (CD9M2Ab8AODJjOjD7OI6MQL348I3C
2NF5O3SOIW2MA7DON), and Powerade (Blue, not yellow), James concocted a
powerful deoderant. As soon as Sarah removed her mask, James mixed the
ingrediants together and in a puff of smoke, Sarah's nose was burnt off her
face. Sarah is now forced to wear a prostetic nose (avaliable with
spoiler).
So explains the unlikely combination of James and Sarah. It also explains
why Sarah's nose is so aerodynamic. And so that brings me to my final
conclusion - James's powerful oders are the sole reason we have the Jet
Stream and El Nino. I'll see you all next week. This is Grand Master Fats,
signing out.

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El Numero de Six

Ski Mount Southington. Almost seems like an oxymoron doesn't it?
For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, let me elaborate.
'Mount' Southington is a mountain that our town's youth rec thing takes
trips too on a weekly basis when there's snow. Of course, most have come to
realize that Mount Southington is quite short of a mountain.
I personally came to the realization pretty fast. 'Mount' Southington is not
a mount. Its not even a moun. Its barely a mou. Truely in my opinion,
Southington is nothing short of a large pile of dirt with 2 chairlifts and
a J-bar.
In my opinion, Southington should change its game plan, first by changing
its slogan. Ski MOUNT Southington? Isn't that a bit of a grandiose term for
a 300 foot soggy hill? Its practically a backyard. I suggest they change
their name to something a little more realistic. For instance, "Sled
Southington", or "Ski Mound Southington", possibly "Ski Hill Southington",
or the more direct "Ski If-you-fall-off-it-you-won't-get-hurt-much
Southington". It just works better.
Southington really give us no opportunity to improve our skills. The runs
are over before they even start. The trail length is literally about 5
lengths of one ski. By the time you've gotten off the little hill by the
chairlift, you've already completed you're run. True, you don't go there
for the skiing, you go to hang out with friends. But one doesn't even have
the time to let out a friendly "Woooo" before getting to the bottom. Its
just "whh... oh, we're done again." Of course, the chairlift rides are 20
minutes no matter what.
If it were up to me, I would scrap the whole ski thing in favor for some
downhill lundging, but thats just a dream. Take it from me - avoid
Southington unless you have some good friends to come along and mix things
up.